Feeling a bit bummed out this week... which is causing a stagnation of my work and attitude. I don't quite know how to verbalize what's going on for me internally, I feel a bit stretched and torn.
The time which I spent back home seems to not have been enough for me. Whenever I return to that place, it feels less and less like the place that I used to live. It's all become alien and strange. My friends have all scattered to different locations in and outside of the country so now when I return I spend most of my time with only a few people outside of my family members. Even those who do decide to return have become different people. At times, it is a welcome change in personality, but for many of them, they are transitioning into young adults with entirely different motivations... I did not spend enough time with my mother and father, and that is my own fault but I feel sometimes that there is a wall that is built up while I'm away for the school year, and it takes weeks to tear it down when I return.
Another cause for this is also just feeling a little useless right now. The job that I was originally supposed to have upon my return to Boston has been put off until the end of the month, so I have virtually nothing to do for most of the day. Lately I have been preparing for my brother's arrival to Boston, getting my funds in order, and writing out the lesson plan that I hope to use next summer, but it just isn't enough to satisfy. I need purpose and structure to be able to function at my best, I suppose... and lately it's been to my detriment.
I was so eager to return to Boston, and I suppose I became overeager about many of the expectations that I had about my arrival. I shouldn't have built them up in the way that I did... It should have been just a natural progression. I should stop kicking myself for it.